A Daily Ritual?
I can't believe I haven't written since Jan. 20. I think about writing here ever day but it's been a rough couple of months of mental and physical self doubt and I didn't want to bring down the room.I will try something new after today - I'll publish daily and see where that takes us. Did I just commit to publish my blog daily? Yikes.
So here's what is on my mind now and what comes to mind as I look back 3 months - I'm going to use my phone pics to guide me:
First thought is that perhaps this blog should be called Healing Everything: A Broken Woman's Attempt to Find Well Being.
Feels like an uphill battle many days.
Battling two chronic illnesses (SIBO and asthma if you recall) has taken a heavy toll on my body, my brain and my goals. I realized last week that I am really not at all myself and haven't been in probably a year - but it's been much worse since December (Jess and Chris moving) - I think I'm depressed. Struggle to smile genuinely and while I need people, I'm having a tough time seeing people. I don't look well. I don't feel well.
People ARE helping me - I'm letting them in - mostly. I have a tendency to shut out new people and sometimes even people I'm already close to - sometimes seeming like I don't care about THEM. I do I do. Just ask. I sometimes hide if I don't feel needed or if I don't feel like I have anything to contribute to the world.
Knowing it or not, people help. B especially. He gets the 24-7 of it all (even when he's out of town). He handles it all like a champ. And I fight not to close up or be too sensitive or question our future or question us. I try - I'm not always good about it - especially in my head.
And I have had some lovely visits with my parents, my sisters (Michelle, Heather, Summer), niece Jenny, B's fun, nice, friendly family and baby MAEVE :) Friends Jess and Chris and their Finley and Max; Janel! I hadn't seen her in 10 years - what a delight! Kris and her ever calm, intelligent, fun, funny self; Ty, Erin, Tiff, Booker, Brandon and Dennis in Phoenix. I needed that trip and that visit - though I thought Tiff and Erin might smack me for continually calling myself fat. It's only kind of the number on the scale - it's mostly my out of shape-ness and feeling weak and unable to do anything about it.
The constant endless cycle of asthma, SIBO, the two leg surgeries. I can't exercise consistently, am almost always bloated - my face from the endless rounds of Prednisone looks like I'm storing food for the winter; and the rest of my body ( I have gained 34 pounds in less than a year). My legs and feet continue to puff up twice their size despite the vein surgeries, and my abdomen is flabby but also bloats and distends painfully and embarrassingly. I have lost almost all my muscle strength and all the tone. Clothes don't fit and I want to hide. I feel like I'm under there somewhere.
I am a strong woman and I want to exude that mentally and physically and be useful to others - it's tough right now. I'm barely useful to myself.
That's most days. Some days - some days - my head is on straight and I ignore all that and hang out with friends and family who don't judge me - at least not aloud - and meet new people and feel good. I feel successful in my work and able to be useful to family and friends. I like those days.
Dealing with this, my career, basic life calamities ($1,400 in car repairs, tax extension because I'm still waiting on former partner to get paperwork to me, the lawsuit against LMFH, the dream of kitchen countertops, HOA dues, HOA special assessment, doctors' appointments, insurance paperwork) is stressful. I know someone else always has it worse. So much worse. I think of my friend Kim - whose 10-year-old son is fighting an awful battle - I cannot and would not compare. This is just my life at the moment. And mine is going to be OK - I'm still sure of that.
So what am I doing about this aside from whining? I have an appointment next week with a Functional Medicine doctor - using both Western and Eastern medicines, these doctors look at the whole body. I am convinced that all of my issues are related and there has to be a way out. Well, maybe not the asthma (fueled the past three months by red tide and smoke from nearby wildfires) but at least we can get it under better control by dealing with the other issues, I hope. My pulmonologist thinks these are likely related too.
This week, I'm finishing the latest 3 weeks of Prednisone and am on an antibiotic for SIBO symptoms, which always flair up during the steroids. I have been feeling better and managed to run last night - I say run - it IS the first time in months I actually logged something as a run - I won't be too hard on myself as to how slow it was. And I ran in the dark where no one but me could see the belly. I also made it to my happy place - beach and beach yoga on Monday night. There was much grunting and failed postures and belly pain - but it was oh so good. I made it to restorative and gentle yoga at the local studio too. So helpful. Such lovely people.
Now - back to what this blog is about. What have I accomplished?
According to my iPhone, the best of the last 3 months included rum, hanging closet curtains in the guest room, putting my Sunfish (no I haven't sailed it) on my parents' jet ski lift, sunsets, some crazy hair, a stuffed cat on my head during Wildcat basketball season, a pirate boat ride with B and family, baby Maeve, a hospital gown selfie, a beach day with Q, silliness with Janel, joy with Kris, staining and hanging trim in my living room (nail gun!), making Irish whiskey cake for B for St. Patrick's Day, a boat ride with family, Phoenix, deviled eggs for Easter, a Harley ride with Dad, a visit with Lisa (we don't get together near enough), saved Internet pictures of Kate and Franco's wedding, wine and dinner at my local hangout, clouds, Oscar's birthday and a flower-laden, polka-dot overall-wearing manatee mailbox.
That sounds about right. The video my phone put together of all that gave me a genuine smile and warmed heart.
So I'll stop there on that happy note. And write again tomorrow.
