Welcome to my blog. I write about everything here - successes, failures and stumbles in healing my heart, my home, my health and a sailboat.
The last time my stepfather touched me was in 1984. I was 14. My biological mother had left to be with her lover. Left me to tell Steve she was gone. Left me alone with him. Two weeks. I was alone with him. He made me sleep in his bed.
So I’m back, and not sure where to start. I think the last time I wrote was during Covid. It’s now 2024. Since then, I have dated at least one wrong person and gone out with many more wrong people. I secured a full-time job (finally) in local news and have laid to rest my remaining sailboat and my father.
Life has improved of course. Most of us decided to take the chances and start going places. For me and many of my friends, it was after vaccination, but we’re careful. We have our regular people we hang out with, and we all know vaccination status, stance, and antibody level practically. We know when someone is sick and we watch out for each other. There have been a lot of adventures and fun this year and conquering of fears (I snorkeled in Aruba and didn’t’ panic!) and taking chances with the heart – kind of.
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/06/arts/this-is-fine-meme-dog-fire.html
Jeri, Amber, Shelly and Yana,, Jess, Lisa, Pam and Tony, Courtney, Bev, Chelle, Heather, Summer, Shane have been my saviors as well. If one good thing has come out of this year, it is reconnecting on a daily basis with these amazing humans – sisters, parents and friends. Making time for one another, listening, making each other laugh. Dealing with each other’s tears and anger, happy events and accomplishments, frustrations and just general bitching – we all need an outlet. They are all such a blessing – I wish we lived closer.
I think communicating, sharing with my mission mates and recording everything were my gifts here.
I love airport welcomes. No matter what country, what airport, people are welcomed with love and affection. Hugs, laughs, high fives, kisses.
So I’m still not going to do that - at least not today. An exciting adventure begins in a few hours. I’m heading to Haiti on a mission trip with my sister Summer and her daughter Jenny and the group Second Chance Haiti.
“You are like a country song. When country songs were sad”
——Tim
I have had some of those happy place moments lately. I think that's progress.
I think it took my most recent breakdown and the confidence to NOT continue the job that wasn’t for me to truly appreciate where I am, how far I have actually come and what it's going to take to move forward. It was a start. Now, I’m looking for the big confidence, on the road toward it, trying to build it back and trying to find my place in the world.
"Flick your light back on."
Thanks Courtney.
Hey it's something on the home improvement front, finally. Much more to write - about Valentine's Day, talks with parents, flowers from B, my heart gift wrapped and mailed in a box to Rochester, mortgages and condo special assessments after Irma, But we'll start with this today. It's happier and less complicated.
Sunrise or sunset, thank you universe. Thank you friends and family.
A flock of birds disrupted us - white with large black beaks beautifully and noisily swaying together over the gulf waves. I had to focus on breathing again and that's when this idea of becoming empty in order to move on evolved. I noticed I was empty and not thinking of anything - not even really thinking of the poses.
So I was thinking about things people do when they are very young and in love or broken hearted and I thought - mixed tape! Mixed CD, mixed jump drive, email, Youtube whatever. Now, I could send something to Brendan but I thought I would send one to myself.
I didn't judge myself for muscles I used to have, but am proud of how far I have come since losing all my muscles to illness over the past couple of years. I am seriously amazed at the fact I have lost all my strength, all my muscles. I had been running and playing hockey consistently for 20 years until the illnesses really took over about two years ago.
I looked around and all I saw were families and couples showing each other love. Michelle hugged me. Niece Amanda, and momma to Max and Luke, squeezed me tight. My nephew Josh handed me his son as tears streamed down my face.
It is in our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light
-Aristotle
I awoke this morning and went for a run mulling this realization: I feel abandoned. Abandoned by someone I love and trust and who I thought would always be part of my life.
I have felt this once before. When my biological mother left me when I was 14.
Oscar challenged me this week to avoid writing about heartache or myself or sadness while I’m in Kentucky for Thanksgiving with family. Write about my travels, my family and the foods we eat and our adventures, he said, and no frog eyes. Those are the eyes that are welled up with tears. Ok, Oscar, I will try.
