Let's Play Catch Up: More than a Year and a Half Later. I Got Lost.

Sept. 7, 2020
A year and 9 months – that is the last time I wrote here. I write every day in my head but haven’t put fingers to keyboard. Sweet, thoughtful, fun friend Christine encouraged me to continue when I ran into her and her husband last week. So here goes, and I will explain why I haven’t written.

Mostly, I wasn’t sure I had anything to say that anyone would want to read. I needed to write – it is cathartic for me. That’s why I started this blog in the first place – for me. But then I got caught up in what it might mean for others or that I sounded like I was whining all the time. Would I be hurting anyone’s feelings? I didn’t write. I held everything in. Even during times I really needed to write.

Let’s start with Love part of this blog since you know you want to know. Going back to 2018 because I didn’t write about any of this.

About seven months after Brendan left, I finally had a date. It was May 2018. I wasn’t looking for a date before that. You might remember that I was incredibly sad. First date was with an acquaintance who asked if I wanted to meet at the beach for a beach day date. We drank some margaritas and laughed and got some sun.

That same week, a long-time friend was visiting Naples for an event. We became more than friends – some kisses and laughing. It was a good weekend. We saw each other more that. summer; he even flew down to help me out when I had surgery. Very kind. But it wasn’t right and it always felt a bit like college. It’s hard to explain, but it was like we were still these bickering friends and that never felt romantic to me – just stressful. And then he wanted to be romantic and physical – and it always ended in an argument. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by writing about it, by working it out here, like I do. That wasn’t fair to me, but it was my doing. Thank goodness we are still friends – we survived that little hiccup. Love him for sure.

I kind of went out with a guy I played hockey with. When I say went out, we hung out a few times after playing hockey together. He wasn’t interested in dating me when I WAS interested in him. He had to be pretty cruel for it to sink in. I wasn’t chasing him around the countryside or anything – I just didn’t realize he just thought I was fun and not dateable. That one really hurt my feelings. I still think about it and am still a bit of a mess about it -just because someone is fun to hang out with, play hockey, be one of the guys doesn’t make her not dateable. Such a double standard for women. I have always been one of the guys. When all the ladies are in the kitchen talking about kids or beauty products or life, I’m usually in the other room with the guys watching hockey or basketball or football. Anyway … I’m not changing who I am, but the situation was hurtful.

Another friend I had not seen in years popped back into my life in January 2019 when he had a work convention on Marco Island. We met up for a drink and then started talking and ended up dating briefly. He turned out to be a jealous, drunk, gambling addict and controlling kind of human – someone who needed help, but I was not the person to save him. It was ugly almost from the beginning. He wanted to know where I was at all times. He said I had to stay up all hours talking to him on the phone when I needed to sleep. He flew down for a visit in February and then a week later to surprise me one weekend at a friend’s birthday party – he didn’t know this person or any of my friends. I thought it was cute at first but turns out he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t with anyone else. He and I had been talking only for a few weeks at this point and already was trying to make me promise I wouldn’t see anyone else. I wasn’t seeing another person but he had no right to demand that. He wasn’t even divorced yet – though separated for a long time. He lives in North Carolina. He was always screaming at me and accusing me of wrongdoing when he called – almost from the beginning. I blocked his phone number. Had to do it.. I won’t be treated that way.

An old college boyfriend and I made contact again via Facebook in December 2018. He texted and called frequently. He invited me to join him and his daughter for a trip to Cuba in March. I thought that was grand and had no reason to say no. (Above jealous man lost his mind but I am a grown woman and so I went). We had a great time. It was the first time I had seen Bob in 18 years. His daughter is amazing and we hit it off right away. College man, mostly a perfect gentleman. We weren’t staying alone together. We stayed in someone’s house, renting rooms – separate rooms. We had no Internet or cell service, which was heavenly. I told above jealous man that this was the case. He didn’t believe me.

We returned to Miami late at night three days later. I got my things and drove back to Marco Island. Lily and Bob were going to drive over after they returned from a dive trip in the Keys. I had called above jealous man as I got my luggage and said I would call him on my drive home. I wasn’t 10 minutes into my drive when he called me. He let me talk about the trip for about a minute and then went into – “Did you sleep with him? You slept with him, didn’t you?” WTH. I ended up hanging up on him – and many more times the following week. And then I blocked him. He said everything changed after that trip and I MUST have slept with Bob. Um, no, everything changed because you are crazy. He found ways to contact me. I think he is better now – has a girlfriend who I guess he can keep an eye on. I hope she has helped him feel safe and loved and secure. And I hope he isn’t mean to her like he was to me.

Bob and I continued to talk and text daily. He invited me to meet up with him and a good friend and his girlfriend that summer. They decided on Dallas – in July – damn but it was hot. Then we flew to Colorado where I spent a week – a few days just with Bob and then Lily returned from her grandparents’ house in Kentucky. It was a very strange trip. Bob spent little time, actually none, with just me after Lily returned. He hugged on me and held my hand but we had no time together. I had a wonderful time with Lily. When I returned to Florida, the calls and texts came to an abrupt halt. I sent thank you presents and actually had to ask if they arrived. I received no explanation. None. I suspect perhaps he was seeing someone else but he could have just told me that – that that relationship was moving forward or whatever. I am a grownup – I can handle the truth a lot better than silence. Maybe he just didn’t like me. That’s ok too. But to just disappear. - immature.

I went out with a guy way too young for me for a few weeks. We had fun – boating, fishing, being silly. I wasn’t looking for a relationship with him but when he started dating someone seriously, he ghosted me. Silly youngin’. It’s a weird feeling when people just don’t want to know you. I had a friend – well perhaps she wasn’t that much of a friend but I thought she was – decide not to know me in 2018. She got very eighth-grade jealous and mad about something that didn’t even happen with a mutual friend and that was it. Friendship over.

I tried Match but I gave it zero effort. I have many unread messages but the ones I did read went like this: Hey beautiful, how are you? SUP? The one guy I actually wrote back to – we had a good conversation for about a day and then he ghosted me. I do not have time for that kind of bullshit.

Sometime after July 4 this year, I started chatting with a friend of a friend on Facebook Messenger. We haven’t met in person. We haven’t talked on the phone or Facetimed. Before I was exposed to Covid and had to quarantine (last month), he asked me to lunch a couple of times. I wasn’t comfortable with where he wanted to go or to sit two feet from a stranger talking and eating without a mask. I don’t know him. I would offer an alternative – let’s go for a walk on the beach or take drinks to the beach. He would say yes and then cancel each time. Seemed he wanted to be in control and wanted to get me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. We have kept talking but I find myself not wanting to share with this stranger via the Internet. I guess I’m not interested. Maybe it’s not him. Definitely could just be me. I don’t feel great about myself. Stress is high and I am incredibly busy trying to do all the jobs, do my work on the board of JAWS (Journalism & Women Symposium). Plus now I have physical therapy two to three times a week. I don’t really have time for this – and I need a spark. Like I said, it could definitely be me. I’m sure this guy is perfectly nice.

There is a theme here – I am overly stressed but also, I make bad choices, find unavailable men and impossible relationships. Unavailable meaning – men who don’t actually want a relationship or maybe they just don’t want me. Impossible relationships meaning men who live in other states and would never consider moving and therefore why bother when it can’t go anywhere. And thus, I haven’t been on a date in 13 months. Of course, this is 2020 and we can mostly write this year off, right? We get a do-over?

So significant-other love hasn’t been so successful, but the love of friends and family has far exceeded expectations.

Every day, I am reminded how lucky I am to have the friends and family I do – even if most of them are far away and I feel lonely every day. During the Covid lockdown, my hockey mates asked me to teach them yoga – via Zoom. I graduated as a yoga instructor in February. My teammates didn’t really want to do yoga – they just knew I was struggling and lonely. I lost every job I had during Covid and haven’t seen one penny of state unemployment or federal CARES Act money. The jobs have begun again (school, condo rentals and management, The Orlando Sentinel and American Patriot Getaways blog writing) but I am so far behind. This was an aside. Back to yoga with hockey team.

YOGA

It helped me so much – and some of my hockey mates even liked it! At one point, I was teaching 7 classes a week – Amber in the mornings, hockey team in the afternoons and kids on Fridays.  Wish we still were doing that many – down to about 3 times a week now – but it really helped me and continues to help me. I am so thankful for these wonderful people.

Jeri, Amber, Shelly and Yana, Lisa, Jess, Pam and Tony, Courtney, Bev, Chelle, Heather, Summer, Shane have been my saviors as well. If one good thing has come out of this year, it is reconnecting on a daily basis with these amazing humans – sisters, parents and friends. Making time for one another, listening, making each other laugh. Dealing with each other’s tears and anger, happy events and accomplishments, frustrations and just general bitching – we all need an outlet. They are all such a blessing – I wish we lived closer.

One of the things about Covid is the realization that I live really far from everyone. Not being able – or wanting – to get on a plane is tough. It’s seven or eight hours to get out of Florida from where I live and that really doesn’t get me to anyone. I travel a lot – it’s so strange I haven’t left southwest Florida since February.

Mom and Dad were here until the end of May – and we saw each other some – but we were being incredibly careful. My last big squeezy hug until recently was in May - the day my parents left for Kentucky. How sad is that? People who live with people don’t think about how lonely it would be if you didn’t live with people.

Covid also has made me think about dating differently: could I quarantine with this person has to be a consideration as you get to know each other because this could happen again.

BIRTHDAY
I turned 50 in January – before the shutdown so I got to celebrate with many friends and family. I consider myself very lucky – I know so many people who have had big birthdays with no people. Jeri turned 50 also and we had to Zoom party when many of us were supposed to be in Cincinnati with her. I don’t feel 50.

Mom and Dad helped me get a new car for my birthday – she’s a beauty. Her name is Rosanna (like the song). They joined me for dinner at Little Bar – with the loveliest friends! Jess, Chris, Max and Finley were here from Wisconsin! I felt quite loved. Fifty pretty much blows but I would say mostly because it’s 2020. Happy to have made it another trip around the sun. That birthday seems so long ago. Can I just turn 50 again next year?

HEALTH – that’s another part of my story.

It has been a rough year, honestly. I had the flu in February (I think – guess it could have been Covid). I had a sinus infection in March. And then I was home with everything shut down. Like we all were. Since spring I have been overly tired. Sleeping insane amounts. I rarely make it through a day without a nap and on weekends, I sleep all day more often than I would like to admit. Waking up and just not able to keep my eyes open. It’s not right. I am 20 pounds overweight – at least, though I was already 10-15 pounds over when all this started. When I say overweight – it’s overweight for me, no doctor is telling me I’m overweight, but I am. My clothes don’t fit. I do not feel good at this weight. I do not feel good in my skin. I do not feel healthy.

HOUSEMATE
I had a housemate I took in in September 2019. A nice girl from Russia but we weren’t best friends and we had very little in common and didn’t talk about much of anything. She is 26 or 27. We both lost our jobs and were stuck together in my condo all the time. Basically, whoever got downstairs first each day, had that TV for the day and the other person just stayed in her room. Her TV choices were Hallmark movies and cartoons. I spent my time trying to apply for unemployment, calling my bill collectors and looking for a job I could do from home. Occasionally housemate and I watched TV together but it was rare – Sunday nights “Snowpiercer.” That was enjoyable. I usually made margaritas.

Sometimes it was nice having someone else around but often I wished I either lived alone or with a best friend or a significant other. I was going to get a kitten but she didn’t like them. I’m too old for roommates even though it helps with the mortgage until she couldn’t pay me the entire amount. I was glad I could let her stay. Someone else might have kicked her out and that would have been awful. She left in May – moving to Delaware and then Colorado. No idea if she is working but I wish her well.

Oscar tried to get me to let a couple move in after the roommate left. ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Hockey started again in July or late June. I was nervous at first but decided to play. Several friends and I avoided the locker rooms where people took off their masks or didn’t wear them at all, sat close together and talked loudly – spewing droplets everywhere. I was very careful. Then I didn’t play for a couple of weeks until the rink got their shit together – requiring masks, temp checks, sanitizing stations and social distancing when not on the ice. I went back after that and felt comfortable – still not in the locker room though. I went to three weeks of camp that were great fun and great exercise. I was playing on two teams after that, sometimes three because players didn’t show on Tuesday nights.

Aug. 4, a Tuesday night, I played on a friend’s team that needed players for an early game. My team played the game after. Toward the end of the game, I fell fighting for the puck. My right knee folded in and there was a pop and a lot of pain. I hobbled to the bench and was back on next shift. The knee felt loose. I finished the game, found some tape and taped up the knee trying to hold it together and played my game. I was fine until the last five minutes when I went down in front of the net. The fall didn’t hurt me but trying to get up did – the play was still going and I was in front of the net in a dangerous spot. I had to be carried off the ice because I wasn’t careful getting up. I couldn’t drive so I went to a friend’s house nearby. Thank goodness for my lovely caretakers and hosts. I stayed until Thursday when I could get an orthopedic appointment and could walk on crutches and drive. Doctor thought I had a torn meniscus. He ordered an MRI. He also took X-rays and said my knees were pristine, looked like a 20 year old’s. Can I put that on my Match profile? Will that be attractive?

I couldn’t get my MRI for two weeks because some people I had hung out with were sick and turned out Covid positive. I was stuck inside again. About eight days in, I started feeling unwell. Achy, exhausted, headache, dry nose, chest tight. Pulmonologist said I didn’t have a fever or a cough so no need to test even though I had exposure. He prescribed steroids and a z-pack. That seemed to help the headache and the aches. But I was still so tired and chest was tight. Peak flow and blood oxygen were fine and I never had a fever. The friends who were sick – one had a fever one day; the other never had a fever but did have a cough. They are well now, by the way. Yay!

I finally went for a test on day 17. Probably too late – it was negative. So really, who knows? I feel ok now – I’m just so tired all the time. Makes me feel pretty useless as a human.

MRI results showed no tear so no need for surgery. I have a high-grade sprain of the ACL and MCL. I start PT this week – had my evaluation last week. My goals are to get back to running and hockey. Seems those are doable, PT said.

Somewhere in all of this, I had to have a double root canal. My sinuses got infected before the tooth became sensitive. It was weird. One side of my face was red and painful and swollen. Thank goodness I realized it was likely the tooth and went to my dentist first. I read that often people have that and spend months trying to deal with a sinus infection but because the tooth never gets fixed, the pain and pressure and illness continue.

Oh and THE WEIRDEST OF ALL  – I got phytophotodermatitis! This “happens when certain plant chemicals cause the skin to become inflamed following exposure to sunlight.”
It often is called margaritadermatitis because limes and the sun can cause this. I think it was a plant I scraped up against while portaging my kayak on a hot sunny day.

It’s so fked up and as Amber said – “that’s the Kyleist Kyle disease ever.” I have scars that look like letters. My dermatologist said they will fade.

I think that covers all my health issues over the past year and a half – I think. I still can’t eat dairy or eggs – seems that will be a lifetime thing. It’s ok but my doctor said I need 80 grams of protein each day. For a woman who only eats fish as a meat source, it takes a lot of effort.

CONDO HEALING

Now for my home and the healing of the condo I bought in 2014. It might be the slowest remodel in the history of remodels. I could use Love It or List It.

Except for the guest room, the condo has mostly been at a standstill because there’s no extra money to do the work I want to do. And Covid wasn’t a motivation. Had I had money, it would have been, but ya know. Instead I just made more piles. I did create a nice little feature wall one day – with a mirror, a macrame piece of art and some photos. The guest room and guest bath look lovely and inviting and I finally moved boxes from the top of the stairs (moved out of the guest room so roommate could have more space). I created a nice little reading nook at the top of the stairs under the chandelier. I have drawn plans of all the updates I want to make. I have big plans – big! It is kind of hilarious that I think I will ever be able to do these things – but maybe.

July 4 weekend, a water leak was flooding my front courtyard. I thought it was my neighbor – turned out to be coming from my house. The city came out and turned off the water for me and I waited until after the holiday to call a plumber. I moved into Mom and Dad’s house – 2.5 miles away. It was the main line going into my condo. It had to be replaced. There were many leaks and problems with the line. The plumbers couldn’t replace the one under the house because it was in the slab. They had to bypass the line – like a heart bypass – and create a new line that runs up the wall next to my front door and across the ceiling to the kitchen and the water heater - $2,000.

There were holes. Worse though, there were ants living in the wall. And worse than that, everything was rotten in the wall because of a hole above leading to the outside that had nothing to do with the water line. Water had been coming in for a long time – long enough to rot the studs, the insulation and the plywood that makes up the building. The condo association had to come in, hire a contractor and fix it all. My neighbors were freaked out for me at the site of the hole going into my house. My crazy neighbor yelled at the people working on my condo – telling them they were doing it wrong. Why it was his business, no one knows. As I said, he is a bit of a nut job. He screams at no one in his house – almost daily.

So that’s all finished – I need to clean and paint now. I started putting my place back together tonight so that the cleaning crew I hired can make their way around the place on Wednesday. Update: they showed up this morning because I had the day wrong. It was still too much of a mess for them to even try to clean. They are coming back Monday. I worked a lot more in the condo this morning but will return tonight and probably tomorrow too. And I have to get my bedroom cleaned so I can move back in on Thursday. With my lungs kind of iffy, I can’t clean up all the dust and construction crap, and I definitely can’t paint right now.

My sister Summer, her husband, their daughter and three other couples arrive Saturday to stay at Mom and Dad’s, so I’m on a deadline. I’m so glad I had a place to stay during construction and after I injured my knee. I have stairs in my condo. I can manage them now.

So that’s my update – more than a year and a half of catching up. I’m sure I missed a lot. I’m going to look through my pics by year to refresh  the memory.

Well that was fun! Why am I such a sad sap when all this has been part of my life?

2019
Ty visited in February

Michelle and Jeff visited

I had a small sink hole in my backyard

I went to Dallas for a Facebook training. My luggage was lost. I shopped at Neiman Marcus.

I went to Illinois for a Facebook training and got to visit with Duane and meet his lovely wife. It was COLD!

I worked at Fiddlers Creek – security and at the Welcome Center

I started writing a paid blog post for American Patriot Getaways about happenings in the Great Smoky Mountains.

I went to the ER in March for my asthma. There were wildfires going on so the mask wearing started long before Covid

Brendan visited in March

Amber, Josh, Sam and Simon visited! We played with alligators.

I went to Cuba!

I was hit by a semi driving home from a training in Orlando. I was in a rental car. No one was hurt. The car was totaled. I was rattled.

Lily and Bob visited.

Final Four was in Minneapolis. It snowed.

I went to Lexington, Ky, and Tennessee to visit family, then back to Louisville to go to the Derby with Ty and friends. Then to Owensboro to see all the nieces and nephews and siblings and parents there. I came home with pneumonia.

Julie and Colton visited!

Alex got married on Marco – it was a good time!

I went back to Kentucky in June.

I met Bob in Dallas for a weekend and then we flew to Colorado to his home for a week. Hot in Dallas – lovely in Colorado.

Summer and family visited. There was fishing and fun times.

I went to NYC and NJ for Facebook training and friend visiting! I got to go to Meg Cream’s wedding – oh my, such a lovely visit last year.

I missed a trip out of the country with my hockey team because my pulmonologist was worried about my lungs.

I went to Indianapolis for a Facebook training, visited Ty and Sam. Got to see Tom. And I finally got to visit with my niece Kristen and her daughter!

In September, I went to Virginia for JAWS and a Facebook training. I stayed a few days with Shelly, Jim, Jesse, Joseph and Patrick. And I got to see Amber and Yana too!

I started yoga teacher training in September.

I started working at Seacrest Country Day School – front desk. Alexa goes to school here. I do love the place and the people and the kids – even though I don’t get to see the kids much this year.

I went to Alabama for a Facebook training. It’s a weird place.

Bev visited for Halloween! I was Ruth Bader Ginsburg for daytime Halloween and Wednesday Adams for nighttime Halloween.

Matt and I remodeled a condo for Dad’s business partner. We finished in 2020 but worked hard on it in 2019. It is gorgeous!

I visited Nancy in Sarasota.

I went back to Indy to go to a wedding with Ty.

I went to Kentucky for Thanksgiving and Jenny’s (Summer’s oldest) bridal shower.

Ana Maria visited!

Julie returned!

I went to NYC for New Year’s Eve to see Phish and visit friends in New Jersey. I got to see Stephen, Chris, Courtney, Hunter.

Pretty amazing year. I am loved and lucky and blessed.

2020

It began with Pam cutting my hair very short on Jan. 4

Hockey trips with my girls – love them!

My birthday!

Oscar is now the proud owner of Minke so I do get to see her sometimes.

Superbowl party at the JW Marriott with many friends

I went to Kentucky for a Facebook training and got to see Tim and Hank and meet Tim’s very nice girlfriend and her son. Also had lunch with Tom. It snowed. Go CATS!

Ty, Sam, Carol and friends visited in the spring.

Pam and I graduated from yoga teacher training at the end of February.

Michelle and Jeff visited. Pam and I taught pair yoga.

Early March, the hockey team got together in Fort Myers.
Everything shut down.

You’re all caught up! I hope it wasn’t too much.

As of now, I sleep oddly and too much. I’m sad a lot. But I know I am loved and cared about. And I have many people to love and care about as well. I have no idea how to make any goals that I can actually achieve. My world – journalism – is so different now. I don’t want to move – though I would love to be closer to family and friends I miss terribly. Marco Island is good. I have friends here and my parents are here half the year.

How do you change careers at 50? There’s nothing else I have ever wanted to do but be a writer, reporter, journalist. I made it happen and reached a high level of success and then it was ripped from me. We were told when young, if you work hard and find success, you can spend an entire life in one career – perhaps not one job – but one career. What are people telling their kids now? Millennials change jobs on a whim and don’t want to pay their dues in the early years – long hours, little vacation, poor pay. Sixteen years at Bloomberg and I somehow came out not easily hired. I’m hanging on to journalism through Growthspotter.com – part of The Orlando Sentinel and through Facebook and SPJ – training journalists.

Career, love, my health and how to pay my mortgage and HOA dues are what is on my mind lately. It’s 2:30 a.m. and I should go to bed. Yoga in the morning with Amber!

Feel free to comment, share my story or tell me yours. Thanks for reading!

Namaste.

Smiling through it.