A Year Ago - A Long Overdue Update

A year ago - so much has happened in a year.

I'm in a better place in my mind and heart and body - but damn what a journey I'm on. 

A year ago, I had been laid off from my job for 21 days, had pneumonia and was missing the big Foster family reunion in Kentucky.

A year ago, I was very sick aside from the pneumonia. Dr. Moon had discovered my food sensitivities but I hadn't had them out of my system or had the nutrients in long enough to make a difference. The pneumonia set me back too. 

A year ago, I hadn't actually started job seeking yet, though friends were on the lookout for opportunities for me. 

A year ago, B was still here, was kindly taking care of me and helping me in any way he could. I think he wanted to leave then but wouldn't because well - I needed him and he wanted to help. And he loved me - but as we know, that wasn't enough. (More on this).

What's new today: I received a congratulations letter today that I have been selected to be a trainer of journalists via the Society of Professional Journalists in partnership with the Facebook Journalism Project https://www.spj.org/facebook.asp

That means I have a job! It's nontraditional and I think I will need to freelance and continue property management (all of these I enjoy). I'll know more after training in August or September. 

I am over-the-moon excited! This is the job I have been most excited about among the many to which I have applied. I have been moving around between five part-time jobs and have written a few freelance articles https://jdotkyle239.journoportfolio.com/ I feel thankful and loved and supported by family and friends who have all been on my side, have all been lifting me up (sometimes holding me up or holding my hand). This in no way means I don't still need all that. 

 A year ago, I couldn't run at all. I run nearly everyday, go to yoga two-four times a week and play hockey twice a week. Dr. Moon says I still have some nutrient deficiencies - I'm on a lot of supplements and am still off a lot of foods. But come on - it's kind of amazing how much better I feel! I look so much healthier too. 

At home in Kentucky listening to bluegrass music and hanging with family and friends

There's More

Where to begin with the more. The cockroaches? The irony? The visit? The trip home? The cuts and bruises? The leg infection? The urgent care visit? Did I say B visited last week? I should definitely start with the cockroaches. 

The nasty creepy crawlies took over my house. I swear there were days I came home and they had set up beach chairs around the sink and were doing Jagermeister shots and and laughing at me. 

Karl realized while I was in Kentucky for nearly 3 weeks (I know, I don’t have a full-time job, how did I do that? I just did because I needed to. Mostly with the help of my parents’ airline points and generosity - and also by means of credit cards - feel free to judge) - that the cockroaches seemed to be coming from my lovely wonderful herb garden. He threw the entire thing out. B gave me that as you may recall. Hmmmm

Four visits from exterminator and 3 rounds of bug bombs and well they are mostly gone but not quite yet. It's a serious infestation. I didn't see any this morning - the first day I think. I’m allergic to cockroaches - also they are gross. These aren't the southern palmetto bug (a giant, often flying cockroach) - these are little German cockroaches looking for water and food and just generally nasty. Ugh. 

Is there an irony in there because B gave me the herb garden? Is there symbolism about the need to clean up my act, get rid of things that cause me anguish and illness and pain?

I’m probably looking way too deep into that one - but it’s hard not to. 

My friend Tim told me today, “You are like a country song. When country songs were sad.”

He was joking - not tying to tell me I’m sad. 

Ty agreed that I am definitely a hot mess after I wondered how I could be 5 minutes late to work at 9:05 and my hair still be wet when I got up at 5:30 this morning. I also acknowledged that I ran and yes, I took a lot of pictures along the way, and stopped for coffee and to get a hard time from Oscar. Then I had to soak my infected leg, take a shower, make my nutritional shake and get out the door. Yep - hot mess. 

I don’t go looking for the craziness but it does seem to find me in multiples. Never just one at a time but four, five, six even. 

For example: at one point last week, I thought to myself as I looked around my house where everything from the kitchen is in the living room so the exterminator could do his job (B moved all this for me while I was at work because he is thoughtful like that). Anyway, I thought: Wow - there is not one space in this condo that is neat; cockroaches have taken over; I work five part-time jobs (where did my career go?); my ex-boyfriend is sleeping in my guest room; my leg is infected from a dog (friendly) nail incident; and I have cataracts at 48 years old because of the years of prednisone for severe asthma.

The next day, my car wouldn’t start. 

Is this all a test just to see if I can keep my sense of humor? Perhaps. I mean, I mostly laugh about it. 

Before this week,  I kept trying to start posts and then struggled to do more than think about an idea or make a couple of notes. Could be I was juggling so much - gated community information center job, Lisa and Scott’s clinic job, gated community security job, community newspaper freelancing, property management. I also didn’t want to be negative or sound down. Sometimes when I would write and think I sounded so positive, I would get comments of support and hope and empathy. I would read again and realize that yes, my friends and family know me well. 

I figured if I didn’t have amazing happy life-changing news, perhaps I shouldn’t write. I guess that’s silly.  Don’t get excited, I don’t have any exciting, wonderful, life-changing news. haha. (I wrote this sentence BEFORE I received the congratulations letter).

Since April, I have been doing well - aside from a sinus infection and then an urgent care visit while I was with family in North Carolina. The good news is, I have discovered the culprit of swollen feet and legs - casein. That’s one of my 34 food sensitivities and it has been out of my system long enough that when I had the milk protein via a non-dairy creamer one morning at church with Dad, my right leg, ankle and foot swelled noticeably and significantly. Good news - though it eliminates all dairy since it is in milk, yogurt, cheese and ice cream — but we knew those were a problem and likely always would be.

I went to Kentucky for 19 days nearly a year after I was supposed to go for Grandaddy’s 90th birthday but instead contracted pneumonia and was homebound and mostly bedridden for two months instead. What a wonderful, joyous trip. I had some trips within the trips - to Nashville to see Ty, his sister Abi and his son Sammy; to the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee,  and Asheville , N.C. with my seesters (including wonderful sister -n-law Angel).

It was a long overdue trip, and one in which I learned some new things about myself - perhaps that I’m oblivious. That I wish I had more time with everyone. That we can always grow and learn and change. I realized Kentucky is home, but so is Florida - and it was time to return to Florida.  

Sisters

THE Visit - Here Goes

When I landed in Florida,  B was here. He picked me up from the airport. I knew this was happening before I went to Kentucky. He had said he was thinking of visiting in June - this was in April or May. I told him, great, if I’m in town, love to see you. He asked where I was going and then said he would come later so I would be here. Karl offered to let him stay with him until his buddy Paul flew in on July 5.

I thought about the upcoming visit for weeks and the why of it all. I talked to Jess and Oscar and my parents and Ty and hockey friends. I got a lot of - oh hell no - tell him you don’t have time to see him. My sister told me to change my flight and stay in Kentucky. But I didn’t and don’t feel that way about him - hateful or like I CAN’T see him. I think many were fearful I would go backward like to the beginning. And no one wanted that for me - most of all myself. But I wasn’t scared of that. Maybe I should have been?

I just kept asking myself: why now - nine months after he left? Why in general? I mean B and his family had been on Marco since B was a baby so it’s not like he had no ties. And someone should check on the condo that is awaiting a new sea wall and electricity to be useable again.

Still, the questions, the anxiety over a visit, the nervousness remained. 

And then the day came. Mom looked at me lovingly as I left to drive to the airport - she said she was sorry that’s what I was going home to. She was concerned for me and had the same questions. She wanted to know if he had indicated a desire to reconcile - no I assured her. 

I had a whiskey on the plane at 10:30 a.m.

B was in the airport waiting for me, helping me with my luggage, hugging me, talking like old friends. Except I was waiting for him to tell me something new, something about why he was here.  We went shopping for a July 4th party we were throwing with Karl. That was Tuesday. 

It was Friday night before we actually talked a lot. Before then, we hung out at Karl’s, drove to Naples together, picked out paint samples for one of my parents’ condos. Several times, I said - we ARE going to talk about this right? Yes, he would say, of course. 

I think I realized on July 4, that he now appreciated his friends and had missed them and Marco AND that he had just come for a visit because - not for any amazing revelation or closure. Our friends were happy to see him and he fit right back in. 

B asked me to dinner on Friday. He stayed in my guest room for two nights because Karl had another friend in town. I have an extra bed, it seemed silly for him to sleep on Karl’s couch. While he was getting ready for dinner, I asked why he had come. Why now? Why not when I asked him too in January, February, possibly as late as March. B was visibly shaken by this notion and said perhaps he hadn’t thought it through, that though we text often (everyday), it definitely was different in person and all the emotions on both sides come to life when he liked to put them in storage while he has been away. 

We went to the beach, watched the sunset with glasses of wine, then went out for a Thai dinner and more talking. And home to my house for more talking and some tears.

B slept in the guest room that night too. And left the next day - he asked if I was ok, and left without saying when we might see each other again. He’ll be back to Marco - at least to visit - with his parents’ vacation home here. His departure seemed permanent this time and it made me sad. Nothing has really changed for him - life goal wise - though I’m not sure he’s sure of any of it. Everything has changed for me. I mean I don’t know what my goals are really and I certainly don’t know my path and my heart is still delicate and I'm in protection mode. I think for B, Marco is forever the same. We’re all stuck in time maybe.  I don't know. I'm sure that's not true. And we are where we were before he visited - we text daily; he watches out for me by asking how I am and sending me job links and being genuinely good to me. Except he left me. 

Honestly, I have been sad all this week. Not because I thought we were getting back together. Not because I thought he might want to. Just because I guess. Life I guess. I do miss him. But I'm fine and I'm going to be fine. I am.