Men …

So, this is where we are with men, after many many years of being single-ish. And not that I’m certain of anything but here’s what I know.

I have dated a few people since my 10-year marriage ended in 2006. Actual relationships: Stephen; LMFH (Lying Mother Fucking Hooker, also known as Jordan, the narcissist); Brendon (AKA B); Blaze (kind of, and also narcissist, though not to the same extent as LMFH); and the most recent - short-lived despite the 48 years of build up - cut off without a chance as far as I’m concerned.

And I have kissed, been out with, been fooled by, been interested in, flirted with, been hopeful of and slept with others.

I’ve learned about men who are interested for a little bit, while they are waiting on someone else they are interested in to go out with them. I have learned that I have done the same.

I’ve learned that friends can be lovers, and it can be complicated, but also we can just come back to each other - emotionally and not always physically - because we care about each other, and we’ll always be friends and there for each other.

I’ve learned you can have an amazing and life-long connection with a person and it not end up in a relationship or a happy ever after. If you think I’m writing about you, you probably are wrong. Or maybe I am.

I’ve learned not to trust - that’s a hard one for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself. For instance, when I get hurt - even just my feelings - I shut down. Well, first, I might lash out in hurtful words, and then I shut down, close up, protect myself. Lately, I wonder if I’m going to be capable of opening up if the right person comes along. I also wonder whether I missed the right person or whether there actually is one.

And I’m tired.

I’m tired of small talk and sharing my soul, my secrets and my heart, not knowing if they will be rejected, judged, dismissed, stomped on. I’m tired of others not taking care of these things I share. It makes me continue to build up my suit of armor - or try.

I am tired of trying so hard. I’m tired of taking chances when others won’t. I’m tired of listening and believing what I hear, believing he truly cares, believing he will protect the things I share and my heart, believing we’re friends first, but it’s not true. And I know, you have to let some people go. I’m tired of caring so much when you don’t.

I’m also tired of being alone. I’m tired of always being the third wheel - though I’m grateful to have friends who let me. I’m tired of doing it all alone, except I’m not - I have wonderful friends and loving family. I am not alone, as Mavis Staples sings. And I can do it alone, with those people. I do. I have. For most of my life. But I somehow still have hope, though it’s dimming, about a partner.

You know what else I’m tired of? I’m tired of being a transition woman.

You know, the person you date until you are ready. The person you date after a breakup. The person you date while you are waiting for something else. I’m interesting and fun, playful and silly. I’m smart, confident, sexy, ridiculous, goofy and a bit uncordinated. I’m also athletic, confident, strong-willed and capable. I am fiercely independent. And yet, I’m a transition woman.

I’m the one who listens to you open up, shares her secrets too, builds you up, tells you you’ll be OK, that you’re amazing and special and deserving and smart and talented and a good person - because you are. I’m the one who believes we are leaning on each other and looking to a future together. And then when you are ready, I know too much, or I feel too much, am too independent, too capable, or maybe I’m just too much (sarcasm friends - if I’m too much, you are just too little). Then you pick someone else, someone easier. Someone who fits the mold you made, someone you haven’t knocked off your pedestal.

I was B’s transition woman - from not really getting over the loss of a high school love who died to - gosh I don’t know a single woman he dated after that to me (how odd and how odd I am just realizing that) - to abandoning me while telling me he loved me to marrying someone he didn’t date long and most recently had a child (he posted on Instagram - his only post since a brother’s  wedding many years ago. He didn’t even post pics of his own wedding).

B is a Leo - I have dated entirely too many Leos including the most recent. They are secretive and I have learned aren’t willing to share and be excited about you to their friends - if they have any - until they are. And when they do (not you), it’s hurtful and reinforces the inkling you always had - that they never thought you were good enough or were the one for them, despite the words they said.

I was Blaze’s (not a Leo) transition woman - from a broken marriage to me to now a steady girlfriend he actually wants to tell everyone he’s dating. Why did I allow this? I imagine he doesn’t get drunk every night and accuse her of cheating. And good for her - who I have met and like very much. He barely speaks to me - as if I did something wrong. I shared my published opinion story with him in October - no response and I have seen him with friends a couple of times - nothing - and my story is something we talked about while dating. I wished him a happy birthday this month in a group text - he didn’t even acknowledge it. Blaze did not break my heart; he hurt my feelings and pissed me off. I only wish him well.

I believe I was the most recent heartbreak’s (Leo) transition woman - it’s not clear from what - a marriage over more than 11 years ago? An unattainable young red head? A woman he dated immediately before me who broke up with him, got back together only for him to break up with her. Me as my younger self up on a pedastal? He was always in charge - making the decision to not call me again when we were younger. He was in charge this time.

Does he just want to be the one to do the breaking? I don’t know. I don’t know whether he knows. 

Why am I never the one to take a chance with? Jeff and I were married for 10 years, but about five years in, he decided the path we forged together wasn’t for him but he still wanted to control me at home while he spent 11 months working in another country, seeing other people. He came home and mostly ignored me or yelled at me or told me to keep the house clean, while he took other people out on dates.

Stephen, who is one of my best friends in the world and was before we dated, would have lived five miles from me for the rest of our lives. He told me over and over I wasn’t the one while we were dating! He would say “I love you, but I don’t know what love is.” Eight years. I finally moved to Florida - for my health, for my parents for a chance to find someone who would love me too, like I wanted to be loved. Ha - so much for that. Stephen and I regularly say we love each other now - because we do. We are friends and would do anything for the other. But we are no longer IN love.

LMFH (Leo) used me. End of story (go back and read the start of this blog series for the backstory).

B tried not to love me, but said he fell in love anyway, though I believe he was always planning to leave.

Not saying I definitely would have chosen these men - maybe we would have taken a path together and it not ended in forever bliss but the cutoff so soon, so blindsided sometimes, I don’t understand how to avoid it, how to anticipate it when I think there’s more to the journey.

I sometimes wonder whether I had two chances (ex-fiance and then ex-husband) and now I’m finished? Why do I attract these men? Why am I attracted to these men?

Is it because I am empatheic and get sucked in by their sad tales of heartache? Is it because I offer a safe space to talk and be vulnerable? It feels like genuine vulnerability, but am I wrong? Do they just see me coming and know how to pull me in? Is that my downfall? Should I say - no talk of exes? I don’t want to know? Should I say - I see you are still broken, come back to me when you have gone through a transition woman and are whole again? 

I don’t know. That seems like changing who I am - but it also seems safer - for my heart.

Some days, I think I’ll turn it all off, and then my natural personality breaks through.

We’ll see.