Music Makes the People Come Together, Madonna Said

So ok, here I am still. Still here - I have to tell myself that every morning and sometimes at night. I am one birthday older (January 14), have been through one month more since B said he was leaving (three months on January 15). I'm still without a job in journalism and am as heartbroken as ever. I'm trying to find my yellow self again - full of joy and life and laughter.

I still ask everyday - why doesn't he change his mind and come back? Is it stubbornness? Is it that he is happy in his parents' house working and working on work he wants to do and going to the gym in a perfectly comfortable place where he grew up? Ok, duh, that sounds nice so yes, of course he is, except for the bitter cold of Rochester verses the perfect weather of Marco Island. He's from there though, so I guess it's worth putting up with gray and cold to get over me. Can I put a throw-up emoji here?

But still, I ask why. I'm comfortable; I'm smart; I'm ambitious; I'm supportive; I'm amazing; we're amazing together. There's no reason not to change his mind - he loves me. I love him. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Right?!

OK since the blah blah blah is the same and I often have to yell at myself to get out of bed - like this morning. And my heart still hurts everyday - physically hurts. Joy seems nearly impossible to find - this from a person who could find joy in SOMETHING everyday. And B and I text and sometimes talk daily and it's good (because we're good together). I continually say all of this about how I feel and how it hurts and how I'm lost and how I still don't understand why he left me. With all that rolling around in my head, I was thinking about things people do when they are very young and in love or broken hearted and I thought - mixed tape! Mixed CD, mixed jump drive, email, YouTube whatever.

Now, I could send songs to Brendan but I thought Instead I would make myself a mix. A song, a note, a lyric, an amazing voice can have me laughing, crying, smiling, thinking, lost, mad even. So powerful. I'm not sure what's going to show up here - just some songs that have moved me lately - as I look at them,  I am hoping for some love, motivation and support, as well as the expected sadness that consumes me. Our personal mixed tapes change with us or remind us of different things at different points in our lives, I think. Maybe I will talk to myself, maybe to him, maybe to the universe.

Mixed Tape to Myself and some lyrics that stand out for me right now
Listen here (not in the same order) https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPQGzcDRk--mKKTJUAHQwj8QRIaQt5LCY

Perfect - Pink
You're so mean when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I can think of

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever, every feel
Like you are less than perfect

Love Hurts - Nazareth
Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like cloud, it holds a lot of rain

You’re Going to Miss Me - Anna Kendrick
I've got my ticket for the long way 'round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains, it's got rivers, it's got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair
You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

Tell Me You Love Me - Demi Lovato
And all my friends, they know and it's true
I don't know who I am without you
I got it bad, baby
Got it bad

Oh, tell me you love me
I need someone on days like this, I do

What's my hand without your heart to hold

How I wish you were you were here - Pink Floyd

Stay With Me - Sam Smith
Oh won't you stay with me
'Cause you're all I need

If This Was a Movie - Taylor Swift
If this was a movie, you'd be here right now

Drink You Away - Justin Timberlake
I felt it in the morning, you're still here in the morning
I see you but you're gone, telephone the doctor, I'm
not OK
The bottom of the bottle to feel this empty heart up
A thousand proof don't change the truth, I dive in, but
I can't

I can't drink you away

Say, now tell me baby, don't they make a medicine for heartbreak?

Detectorists Theme - Johnny Flynn
There's a place follow me
Where a love lost at sea
Is waiting for you

A Life That’s Good (Nashville)
I don't need game
No one to know my name
At the end of the day, Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Two arms around me
Heaven to ground me
And a family that always calls me home

Sometimes I'm hard on me
When dreams don't come easy
I wanna look back and say
I did all that I could

Mystery Companion - Jackson Browne
With all my expectations long abandoned
And a life that just gets more and more demanding
There's no doubt that you're the reason I'm still
standing
My stunning mystery companion

Wasting My Time - Phish
A dream it's true
but I'd see it through
if I could be
wasting my time with you

So if I'm inside your head
don't believe what you might have read
you'll see what I might have said
to hear it
Come waste your time with me

Somebody to Love - Queen
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
(take a look at yourself)
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord, what you're doing to me

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I'm Holding You - Ween
I'm flyin'
In a frame of mind
That time cannot erase

I'm seein'
The future, the past
As I lay the present to waste

I'm scopin'
All these feelings I have
And hopin' for them to come true

Let Her Go - Passenger
Staring at the bottom of the glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
Maybe one day you'll understand why

Don't You - Billy Idol cover of Simple Minds
Won't you come see about me?

I'll be alone, dancing and you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out, out
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
I'll get us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Say Something - A Great Big World
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I... am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I... will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I... will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-Ooh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

Beautiful Day - U2
It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

Awake My Soul - Mumford 7 Sons
In these bodies we will live
In these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

If I Had a Boat - Lyle Lovett
If I had a boat, I'd go out on the ocean
And If I had a pony, I'd ride him on my boat

Battle Scars - Luke Fiasco, Guy Sebastian
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never going to change

Never let a wound ruin me
Feel like ruin is wooing me

I Am Here - Pink
I am here, I am here

May the light be upon me
May I feel in my bones that I am enough
I can make anywhere home
My fingers are clenched, my stomach in knots
My heart it is racing, but afraid I am done
Afraid I am done

I am here, I am here

When Love Comes to Town -U2
Love comes to town I'm gonna jump that train
When love comes to town I'm gonna catch that flame


Last time I cried:
Tuesday morning listing to Pink's "Perfect" on my way to work (after some Monday night and Sunday night tears - my friend Stephen who I have known for almost 20 years was visiting and we were listening to music in my living room)
Jobs:
Two part time
Jobs applied:
Six or so additional journalism jobs since last I wrote
Confessions:
Lately, I sleep in my clothes - a lot. Like the clothes I wore last during the day
Reminders of Joy: