I Love You But

It seems to be the story of my love life. 

Coming home from my heart-break vacation was harder than I ever expected. Knowing B isn't here and won't be back - at least not with and for me - is a struggle every day. Every minute, every day, I think about him, us, what I thought might be our future. I am beyond sad.

I'm not hiding away under the covers - all the time anyway. My parents are in town and I watched football with them last night. I forced myself out for Halloween with dear friends - though I ended up at home by 10 p.m. in tears. I have been nursing a sinus infection so no running. I even got creative with dinner last night and yesterday I finally finished my first resume in 16 years. But the B situation is always on my mind.

I have been thinking about the facts of the break up and that I can't change the circumstances.I can't change my age or my heritage just as I can't change my eye color. It's an I love you but situation. I've been here before but this is tougher - I physically hurt. I thought B was my person and I was his. I still do. Everyday, he made me feel special and loved. Everyday. I tried to make him laugh everyday and to put my love into everything I did - I don't know if he felt special everyday like I did. 

Instead, I love you but ...

Ex-husband after 10 years: I love you but I love my career more and while you fully support it and we are bonded in our love of words and the pursuit of journalism standards, I'm not willing to make you or our marriage a priority.

Boyfriend of eight years: I love you but I don't know what love is so really I don't love you. I would love to live five miles from you for the rest of my life.
This realization, along with my deteriorating quality of life and health  prompted me to move to Florida.
Later, after we were over the relationship and the break up and were friends again, he said, "I should have married you or at least lived with you." Hmm, a little too Pretty Woman "Come on baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."

LMFH: I love you but I'm a liar and a con artist so I don't actually love you but I'm persuasive so here take care of and love my child and my dog and I'll go out all night and have another girlfriend who lives on my boat and I will lie everyday to you and keep you away from anyone who might tell you what's going on. Oh, and I'll steal all your money and leave you in terrible debt with a hole in your heart for my daughter and the knowledge you WOULD like to have children of your own. Enough said.

Amazingly after this, I still had hope I would find my person in the world and life would work out grand. And despite the lack of trust I had in myself because I let this person in my life, I also felt lucky to have had Kaia in my world for just a little while.

B - I love you but this hurricane has traumatized me and I'm lost and I need my family - (totally understandable) - and I am going to move away to where my family lives most of the year and not here in Florida where they visit (also understandable) and choose to live without you (what?!)
I love you but I'm leaving as soon as possible without asking you if you want to make a plan and a life with me so we can be together but I can also be near my family I miss so much. I love you but I have a box I peer in that has my perfect life - my perfect woman at optimal child-bearing age,  proximity to my family, heritage maybe? (do I need to be Irish?) and you don't fit in this box I have built - but I love you and this is the hardest thing I have ever done. So why do it, I keep asking myself, and him frankly. Why not consider that you love me and I love you and that doesn't happen everyday. You can't write a list and order this woman on Amazon. And how do you know you WILL find her and that you'll love each other like we do? She won't be me, no matter what. I love you but I'm scared you will die or get old and feeble and I will have to take care of you -  not considering that he might get old and feeble quicker and I might have to take care of him, and gosh, it's amazing I would be willing to chance that and do that because I love you. Or considering that we could live a long happy healthy life together long into our 100s, with children and laughter and joy.

I have said this before, I know. These thoughts and feelings aren't new - moving on, well I guess I haven't tried. I'm just sad. It's a mystery I can't solve and maybe should stop trying. Again, I'm yelling at the movie playing in my head of my life - no, no, you love each other! You're supposed to be together!

With all that's going on in the world: hurricanes, weapons in the hands of mentally ill or tragically sad and depressed, domestic terrorism, international terrorism, global warming and general uncertainty, I wonder how anyone can give up on a love both feel, not giving it a chance in the change. Isn't that what we're all looking for - to love and be loved? The rest can be worked out.

Instead, I love you but ...